Pay Attention to Signs When They Are Undeniable

I've learned to pay attention to signs when they are undeniable. Details aren't my strong suit because I thrive on gut instinct and my "abilities" as a high functioning adult with ADHD. I can absorb and analyze a situation that doesn't require much context and even though I can't always substantiate my thoughts with evidence, I can compute, navigate and problem solve with a decisiveness that is unparalleled.

I've succeeded in life and surpassed my aspirations as a mother, a friend, a mentor and a leader in the tech industry. I've prided myself on overcoming adversity and surviving trauma, attributing my accomplishments to my ability to thrive amidst chaos and intense emotional stress because I thought I was invincible and that I could fix any situation and every broken part of a person. That doesn't come without my own sadness and remorse but it's my determination that always stood it's ground.

I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life this year, from visiting my dad at his grave on New Year's Day to spending 7 wks under the care of the stroke prevention clinic earlier this year to find out that I wasn't dying.

I've been experiencing widespread peripheral numbness, deteriorating motor skills, speech impediments, extreme exhaustion and muscle weakness for the last 12 weeks. I reluctantly took a leave from work and slowly, finally started to admit I can't do it all. I was forced to accommodate my limitations and ask for help from family and friends and colleagues alike. I thought it was humiliating and felt shame. I've been on this journey for 7 months now and I finally got a diagnosis that makes sense but that is hard to accept. I am suffering from Functional Neurological Disorder.

In your most heightened moments of stress you may relate to the saying "I feel like my head is going to explode" but if you are like me, you take for granted that you will survive and this too will pass. I never expected to learn that my brain was capable of decoupling from my sensory and motor skills and gave me a big FUCK YOU by turning off my ability to go through the motions and carry on, or feel the stress and anxiety I was experiencing but I simply couldn't keep suppressing it. I'm going to have a long road of Physiotherapy to relearn routine movements, Speech therapy to address how much brain power I require to talk without slurring, and Emotional therapy to accept the abuse I've experienced and eliminate it from my life forever. The good news is that I have no structural damage but the bad news is that my bruises are invisible and my paralysis is a long term repercussion of an entirely stigmatized and unrecognizable form of physical, sexual, mental and emotional violence.

I plan on recovering and when I do, I plan on making a statement broader than my network of friends through social channels. I will beg the system to establish a new precedent. I am going to survive and despite it all I will convert this experience into what makes me thrive.

I got in my car in the MSH parking lot following my diagnosis and my dad's song was on the radio. "Time after Time"….It gave me the confidence to say out loud…FUCK YOU to my abuser, because I now know I'll be fine.

Some may think this confession was vulnerable but I assure YOU it was by contrast, empowering because I'm starting to breath again and I'M ALIVE!